Confessions of the Greatest Lover

Entry 20 (Conversion of a believer)

2011-04-30T07:23:00.000-07:00

I have never been prejudice when it comes to love or matters of the heart. The one common trait that the women I've approached was that they were women. For me it was never about bedding them, it was about exploring possibilities, engaing in the pursuit, and venturing into the newness. Although the reasons mentionned before were always at the core, there was always a hint of being a lover of life, and student of growth that ha importance in the relationships made.
I often think that it is precisely this thinking that has gotten me into trouble... actually it has been the cause of many a broken heart.... (actually hearts can't break, the most that happens is they tear, then eventually are mended.)

Today, I have a vivid memory of one experience in particular while vacationning one july. I had just arrived Hotel Le Crystal for an extended stay in Montreal to do some writing and simply enjoy some time away from the familliar faces. Immediatelty, as I often do, I dropped off my lugage and walked around the city to find a quite cafe which to make my unofficial writing quaters for my duration of my stay. I remember finding a place by Place Victor Hugo, sitting to a tea and noticing a young lady crossing the street. Now usually the sight of a young lady isn't enough to interrupt my writing, but something about this one made me watch her as she carefreely crossed the street and went into the corner deli. My first instinct was to look at my watch and register the time and make a mental note(this is a practice I to this day maintain, as to have an idea of what time the initial contact was made). I continued my writing and as she walked out the store, made another mental note as to which direction she went.

The following day, I looked up from my tea and noticed the young lady again repeating the exact steps she took the day before. I looked at my watch and concluded that this was part of her routine. I decided at that moment, I would also become part of that routine.

Day 3
As she approached the local store, and I made it a point to also enter the store. "Good day, it truely is a beautiful day". She smiled and agreed. "I have a issue weighting heavy on my soul and need someone to talk to, would you mind keeping me company for a few minutes over a cup of tea?" she hesitated initially but then agreed telling me she had 30 minutes (in my head, I told myself that was 25 more than I would need). We crossed the street and being the gentleman that I am, I pulled her chair out for her and waitied for her to sit before I myself sat down across from her. Now, this sight must have been a a little odd with the natives - a well dressed chap and a nun having tea.

I proceeded to ask her a series of questions.
- Isn't religion that thing that makes you believe? that thing that makes you feel alive? that thing that makes you a better person?
She agreed
- Isn't religion the thing you live, the thing that directs, and gives direction?
She agreed.
Can't a man be a woman's religion?
She smiled "be very careful"

Day 4
This time simply took my hat off as she spotted me from across the straight on her walk. After her purchase, she came to where I was sitting and said hello.
"can I have a few more minutes of your time today?"
She consented and sat.
This time, I asked her why she decided to become a nun.
"What were your intentions in speaking to me sir?" she asked.
"To be honest with you, there was simply something about you that compelled

(Entry 21) The weight of religion.

2010-08-12T00:48:00.000-07:00

I remember walking behind her. No intentions (why does that seem like a the beginning of many of my stories?). I had not even seen her face, it was her walk, her selection in clothing that made my heart race and made me wonder. I had 2 heavy bags in my hands, yet they did not slow me - my stride was a fluid as a seasoned marathon runner. Just as I closed the distance between us, she turned and walked into a store... I decided to not follow, to just keep moving forward. After walking a few blocks, I decided to catch the bus - a rush of blood to the brain , and wondering "would could have happened" has a way of fatiguing even the most experienced of adventurers. I waited a few minutes all while wondering what the young lady looked like. Maybe it was fate that had not seen it fit for me to even see her face - I accepted this.

The bus arrived,

I entered without looking at the faces.

I sat,

My heart raced.

I felt as If I had been hit in the chest with a ton of bricks.

She was sitting on the bus, and we were positioned almost as to force us to look at each other.

The young lady had on a veil, and only her eyes showed. Never had the truth "the eyes are the window to the soul' rang truer. We made eye contact, and I was flooded with conflicting thoughts. I was for the first time looking into a woman's eyes and felt feverish. I was drawn yet, couldn't move forward. She was Muslim - How could I approach her? what could I say? I was at a lost, but couldn't stop looking and feeling that I was finally found. She looked as well, at first I thought it was because I made her feel uneasy, but I soon realized that it was more than that. She looked, and I saw a mirror image.... the same confusion, same thoughts. We just looked at each other, neither of us doing more than breaking a little smile. The bus ride itself was a walk in heaven through endless fields of fire. I dared not move closer to her as I may have done to someone else, I was frozen by her eyes and my pride. I could only hope that she would get off before me and then maybe I would follow and speak to her once off the bus.

My stop came... I sighed. I made those conscious movements that let her know I was going to get off even before the bus actually came to a stop. She looked without taking her eyes off me. The bags I was holding had somehow without physically getting bigger, weighed more now than when I left the store. Maybe my heart had found a way into the bag and tried it's best to keep me from moving... maybe I need her hands to protect my heart. I moved slowly to the front of the bus directly in front of her - she looked one last time and said - Peace.

I responded as I exited the bus smiling.... howeverI knew I would not find Peace.

(Entry 20) Not falling in love - Loving Fall...Winter, Spring, and Summer.

2010-07-22T00:26:00.000-07:00

I have acted as 'wing man' / co-pilot on numerous occasions and understand that it's simply one of many unspoken rules of friendship.

I pride myself on being able to assess situations, and generally am able to strike up, maintain,and prolong conversations, so when I was asked to accompany a male friend who was meeting 2 female friends I didn't hesitate in the least.

It was one of those rainy fall evenings where instead of the rain drops refreshing, they seemed intent on weighing you down, and washing away all excitement from you. Possibly it was my refusal as co-pilot to let the vessel return to it's base with it's mission incomplete, maybe it was the melancholy mood induced by the rain, either way, I decided that this evening would be one that would not be easily forgotten.

Now understand, I don't play court jester, or try to deceive, I simply make it a point to be attentive, and am usually able the cater to the hunger one longs for. That evening, I acted as if only she existed ...but then again, only she existed. While I had no intentions on pursuing any thing with her after that evening, I catered to her without catering to any silly whims. That night we danced, talked, indulged in an occasional flow of liqueur, and peppered the night with a moderate amount of innocent smiles thus simmering the dish called possibilities. As the night started to come to a close, she expressed that she was feeling a little under the weather, and that the rain certainly didn't help. I asked her if we could exchange numbers, and I'd be sure to check up on her in the next few days. Numbers were exchanged and the night eventually came to an end as I walked her and the other 2 to a waiting taxi.

By now the rain was coming down with no end in sight, yet I felt as agile as Fred Astaire dancing between rain drops. It wasn't love, it was about enjoying the moment, and savoring it. The raindrops no longer felt heavy, instead they were the sweet tears of joy of the Gods as they whispered "finally a mortal who appreciates the beauty of life" - I was not in love, I was alive.
The next morning I called the young lady to simply check on her with no hidden intentions. She answered the phone and immediately I knew she was sick. Without hesitation I asked for her address, and told her I was on my way as I knew she hadn't eaten. Within an hour and a half I was warming up some soup, and pouring her a glass of orange juice... my job here was complete.

Some time after, I asked her what it was that caused a random encounter lead to more. After a brief pause she looked at me and told me that although the night was fun, it was the morning that revealed who I was. `

To those who follow the site...

2010-07-14T18:45:00.000-07:00

For those of you who follow this blog, I certainly didn't mean to stay away from it this long. The last post was actually incomplete (as soon have commented), it was one that I started working on, and was sure it would be finished by the date I had preset it to be posted.... I forgot about it, but it didn't forget to go up. I'll leave it up as it's indicative of relationship, love, life.... sometimes things happen and don't simultaneously, sometimes it's what we want, but not how we want it... sometimes we're just stories waiting to be edited, and completed.

2010-05-30T05:35:00.000-07:00

I have never fooled myself into believing that I was the most attractive, the most intelligent, the most calculating, and / or the wisest, but to find the most in any one of those 4 catagories, you'd have to find 4 different men. Now, if you're looking for one man who emcompassed all the above, my experiences have certainly qualified me as a front runner for the position.

Maybe it was the crisp Spring air that made me think of she, maybe it was simply because I saw her crooked smile smile when I looked at a few faces on my daily commute. She was one of those women who enjoyed the spotlight (eventhough she wasn't breed for it, and didn't belong because of her lack of finesse) so, in an attempt to bask in the glow of the spotlights, she was in constant pursuit of that guy that would give her access to that world. From the moment I met her, I knew she had no real talent that would propel her to fame (unless determination, cunningness, and pursuit of the right victim was a talent), but something about her still attracted me to her. Maybe it was the moment she made it a point to tell me that I wasn't her type (at times like these, I made it a point not to show emotion, my facial expression remains the same, although a devilish grin envellops my heart). Her words do 2 things.
1. Kill all possibilities, for I tell myself if I am not your type, chances are you're not aiming very high. Ultimately you become prey and not a worthy companion.

2. It tells me that our time is short.

Now, I'm not a man who looks to waste his time, but in all honesty, even the busiest of men has time for occasional diversions. I looked at her telling her that I understood, and that although I wasn't her typ e, our moments werre golden and that I fully enjoyed them. I saw that this was going to be very tactical. I asked what it was that she wanted in a man (not because I had any itentions on trying to do those things) but simply to let her speak. I have long realized that allowing a person to tell you what they think you can't provide gives them a sense of power, but without realizing it, this actually empowers the listener. I knew it was the right moment

(Entry 19) Good Me, Evil Me

2009-06-07T18:37:00.000-07:00

Is it better to have loved and lost or never have loved?

As she answered it was better to have loved and lost, I smiled a melancholic smile because at that moment I knew her better than she knew herself. I instantly knew she had been the victim of sweet lies,I understood that she was a blank canvas still waiting to be painted, an idea eager to be bought to life.

To love and lose is to love with reckless abandon, to love with no hints of selfishness; for one can't lose what one never had to give. I am not smarter than most, I'm just less ignorant than many - mans predatory nature adds sugar to his words and camouflages his blade.

I looked at her and as if my mind was the stage for a Shakespearean melodrama, the good and evil me played antagonist and protagonist.

Evil Me - Woman, I will make you love me
Good Me - Woman, I will make you love me and teach you a new love.
Evil Me - Countless others have tried to capture your heart with sweet lies, so you will surely open your arms to me.
Good Me - I will try to win your heart, but you have to be willing to open your heart to the possibilities of me.
Evil me - We can love with no regard to the other, I know that you will be hurt when it's all said and done but I don't mind.
Good Me - We can take this chance to explore love. knowing that a good tomorrow can only be built on a good today.
Evil Me - I will be every thing you want.
Good Me - I will try to be every thing you need and I hope to be all the things you want.

Evil Me exists the stage.

I smiled and ask her if she understood what it means to chose loving and losing over never loving. She replied timidly yes. I press on. to be open to loving and losing over never loving means that if a potential prospect comes into your life, you would consider or at least be open to the possibilities. This means you are open to putting down your walls of resistance even if it were for us to enjoy each others company even if it were for one day. you would be willing to share everything with me with no regrets. tell me some of your most intimate secrets, your dreams, and your desires. It means you would allow your heart to race faster without trying to coral or restrict it. She looked at me not knowing what to say.... I smiled and moved closer to her, I leaned in and kissed her check... then told her softly that she wasn't ready to love.

Good Me exist the room.

Entry 18 (I can read her like a book)

2009-04-06T03:48:00.000-07:00

I can read her like a book - She stays busy, constantly engages in creative activities, and travels all in the name of peace of mind. To approach her is difficult because she positions herself in ways that allows for quick and safe retreat. She is the most exotic creature which you feel you must approach with caution out of fear of watching this endangered species disappear forever. She reads like the most beautiful novel, her smile are the pages, her soul the chapters, her piercing eyes are the ink that keep me wanting more... So I continue to read.

She is part of the world yet apart from the world. She lives within her head, while still living around the core of her heart, and simultaneously leading my soul in dance.

She is braille, while I am able to touch her, I am still trying to learn her. She is Latin, the base of here and now, yet a distant language. She reads like a book that has yet to be completed, I am turning every page while anticipating the next. For the first time I don't want to know the end of the story... all that matters is the current chapter... all that matters is that I am part of her story. So, I sit back and continue to read her ... because she is the most beautiful story ever written.

Like with any great novel, no word is wasteful, no action insignificant, every line has a purpose, every page brings clearer meaning to the complete story. I don't want to let this read to be like any of the past, I can see that there is something biblical about this one, something connected to the heavens, to the soul, to my spirit.

I can read her like a book - only if she allows me to be the reader.

Entry 17 (Running does the body good… but it could kill you in the process.)

2009-03-30T12:46:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make, I have been guilty of positioning myself or should I say changing my path so that it would intersect that of a woman walking if I felt drawn to her. Now let me explain, although this is not a routine of mine, I strongly feel when you come across a rare find… you can’t just let it slip away.

It was a crisp spring day, and either her flowing dress or the spring bug was to blame for my quickened heart rate. All I know is that when she walked past me I swore she smiled and I figured if our paths crossed again, that would guarantee a few words. The fact that we were walking in different directions did not dissuade me, this was but a minor inconvenience. I decided to simply circle the block, and reappear a block in front of her. This tactic had worked in the past and even though it had been a good year or two since I last tried it, I figured some things don’t change.

Now before I continue, let me state the benefits of this tactic…
1. You have the element of surprise. The person sees you a second time and are taken aback by seeing you in front of them again… there is no time to think on their part.. you have an opening.
2. They will smile automatically.

I proceeded to circle the block, 2 blocks up, I looked across to see if I could see the young lady… I could, bad sign. It’s funny how a woman will make you a better mathematician… I knew in order to cross her path, I had to be 3 blocks ahead of her, so my pace quickened. Now there are 2 risk with this plan of attack
1. The prey does not follow a straight line, instead they act like a gazelle and change their course.
2. You don’t think of something to say when you do make eye contact. Sometimes that run will prevent you from thinking.

Now, for those who think it’s simply about chasing, you certainly insult the skilled hunter. This is a game of both tactics, strategy, and will… which are things I have… but I forgot to account for stamina.

I rounded the corners with such precision that the greatest football running backs would take note. She was within striking distance, but the usual lion turned cheetah. Now in short distances this would not be an issue … but over damn near 6 to 7 NY City blocks .. a cheetah becomes ineffective. He has to kill quickly or will risk going hungry.

I approached her and we made eye contact… my mind was ready to spring into action but my body had something else in mind… it was thinking SHUT DOWN TIME!!! She passed me, I took 2 more steps and lost consciousness… I awoke to some strange faces looking at me all while asking if I was o.k. all I remember saying was “if there is a cute nurse present come to my rescue…if not, leave me alone, my heart is going to stop.”

Entry 16 (On Loving)

2008-08-15T09:32:00.000-07:00

I will make no apologies for the man that I am, the life that I have lived and the women that I have loved. Instead, while thinking back on matters of the heart, I will simply say that all relationships worth remembering have been a blessing. A blessing not because of the women, but because of the lesson(s) I was able to extract from the relationship and because it allowed me to know myself even more.

Of course romantics will curse me and consider me cold hearted for what I just wrote. I can only respond by stating that romance has never blinded me from truth.

I must make 2 points at this time.
1. I have loved countless times, sometimes 2 women in the same day sometimes even 3. Although I have loved them it has never been simultaneously… when I love it is passionately and that passion can not be divided or shared. If I need to give proof as to not being the owner of a cold heart, the passion that rages within my being should be that proof. No one who loves passionately could house anything but a beating inferno.
2. I must clarify to all romantics … I too am a romantic. I am a pure and genuine romantic, just not a blind romantic who believes life itself ends or stands still when a new love enters.

Today I will not re-read what I am currently writing until I have finished. I do not want to change or alter my thoughts for the sake of correctness, or out fear of reproach. I do not want to deceive the reader or try to paint prettier pictures than those in front of me right now. Every stroke of my pen will be final .. I mean what I am writing and I am writing exactly what I mean… together we will see the final product when it is completed.

In writing this, I have come to realize the danger of passion. Passion like a raging fire can not be controlled, it will consume itself and only it knows in which way it will burn and for how long.

People tend to love passionate people for selfish reasons. They love passionate people when they are at the center of the attention or when they are the inspiration behind the passion. What people are ignorant to is that passion is easily shifted and can be redirected. Every woman that I’ve loved has been the only person / thing that existed at the moment that I was loving her… but the same applies to every word I have written. When I write, the only thing I love at that moment is what is directly in front of me … the paper, the pen and the inspiration that leads to the thoughts… nothing else. I digress a bit, I was talking about people who love passionate individuals, yet do not understand the dangers in loving a passionate person. Although at times they can be the most important person they must understand that also means they can also be the least important.

I have loved many women, I have been in love with few. In writing this, I know that I am opening myself to criticism. Some may call me every negative term that comes to mind, however in my unbias heart I know that since my intentions have always been pure and that I have always acted in a manor that was sincere, I know that I am unworthy of attacks as to my person when it comes to love.

Entry 15 (Entry 1 revisited)

2008-08-04T17:46:00.000-07:00

“Any experiment of interest in life will be carried out at your own expense”
From the film ‘The Libertine’

It was a commonly warm summer day; nothing out of the ordinary and no reason for me to think the results would be any different. When I say I hadn’t foreseen the results being any different, the picture I mean to paint is that every day is a good day for me … even the bad ones.

This particular day, I chose to wear gray seersucker trousers, a Brooks Brothers classic green shirt, green argyle socks and of course classic suede bucks. At this point I must insist that the reader not make judgments of me based on my following statement … I was handsomely stunning. As you read more, you’ll understand that I profit not in deceiving you, all that I write is precisely what was and if someone should feel the need to whisper that I am being a bit narcistic, remember that ‘modesty in truth is hypocrisy” (Kahlil Gibran).

While walking around Union Square in Manhattan (New York) I spotted 3 Ladies having dinner at an outside café. I had no intentions on going to the café, however as the walked past the 3 ladies, I could feel all 6 eyes on me. Without much thought, I moved towards the café and asked to be seated next to the 3 ladies. I ordered my red wine and a hamburger, pulled out my notebook and favorite Mont Blanc fountain pen and started jotting down thoughts, all while keeping an eye on the 3 ladies. I came to the conclusion that there was one of the 3 I would be open to possibilities and thus decided I would make some type of move to assure victory. I called over the waitress (who coincidently had an accent, something I have since then made a point to always pay attention to), I told her to go over to the 3 ladies and tell them that I’d be honored if they’d allow me to pay for their desert (they had just finished dinner). I go back to my writing while keeping both the waitress and 3 ladies in sight. I see them smile and look over - Let the games begin!!!

I must explain the logic and science behind buying them desert. 1 of 3 things would ensue,
1. They would say no (which would save me time, effort and of course a few coins).
2. They would accept and invite me to partake in the desert, thus giving me an opening.
3. They would accept and not invite me (thus showing they were not ladies and not worth me entertaining possibilities of anything of substance).

As I planned, the young lady I asked the waitress to address thanked me from her table. The conversation went as follows:
“Thank you very much, but I must ask why did you make the offer?”
“Well to be honest with you, I felt compelled to thank you for making my dinner more enjoyable. I stole glances at you while eating and must admit that my meal tasted better than I am accustomed to it tasting here. I figured I owed that to your presence.”
Now smiling she ask
“Is this something you do often?”
“Certainly not, I actually would be offended by your implication, however without knowing you, I know enough to know that you know that your beauty makes men do things they may not be accustomed to doing.”
By now I’m starting to tell myself that she has taken too long to invite me to the table… if she did, I would accept, but knew nothing long term could develop.
“Well my friends and I thank you very much and are flattered”
“It is my pleasure.”
“Well you will certainly let us pay for the tip?”
THE ALARM GOES OFF!!!! THE TIP?!?!? The waitress must have told them that I wanted to pay for the whole meal and not that I offered to pay for their desert if they chose to have any. At this point I cross my legs and smile.
“Why of course, I wouldn’t deprive you young ladies of having the pleasure to tip the deserving waitress.”

A few minutes later, the waitress comes to me with the bill…. $75.32, I look at my hamburger… the last piece and say to myself, you might as well enjoy this last peace… it’s the most expensive hamburger you’ve eaten thus far.

The ladies get up and one by one thank me, I smile … I can’t help but smile … thank God my credit card wasn’t maxed!!!

WHEN HUNTER BECOMES PREY.

2008-05-30T08:06:00.000-07:00

It was a typical hot summer day and as so many other days, I found solace at the park. Usually I position myself in a manner that allows me to notice all things around me (not only people but all things) and this time was no exception; I sat positioned where I could observe all comings and goings in my immediate surroundings. I must caution the reader to curtail all random thoughts of ridiculousness that would have them believe I am perpetually on the attack as concerning to women. Like with a lion, a heard of gazelles is quite safe near a lion who is content with his last prize. Anyway, I sat back and after people watching produced nothing worth noting in terms of either excitement or enlightenment, I turned to my old faithful book.

At some point, a young lady leans over to me and proceeds to ask about the book that I was reading. I must say that she was a nice looking woman and it had surprised me that she was sitting that close to me and that I hadn't noticed her before she sparked the conversation... but then again, my belly must have been full and in those cases, even the best meal (and / or the most appetizing) shouldn't entice one who is not hungry. I may have a healthy appetite, but I have never been one to overdo it ... moderation is my thing and greediness is one thing I've never found becoming to a gentleman.

We spoke and as the conversation continued, I found that this woman was not only a pretty face, she had a refreshing outlook on life and a corralled rebellious spirit (something I know about much too well). We ended up talking at the park for approximately 3 hours, then I walked her to her home across town where she invited me in for tea. What I would have thought would have been a short conversation turned out to be transfer of ideas, views, philosophies, and smiles. We spoke until 2a.m. and made plans to meet again the next day. After a few weeks of spending a significant amount of time with this young lady, i asked her about the firsts time we met. She smiled and told me that she had noticed me and contemplated the best way to approach me. she quietly sat besides me ... looked to see the title of the book I was reading and based on 3 things:
1. the book
2. my appearance
3. my aura
she was able to conclude the best way to approach was direct, and from an intellectual angle... she told me from the moment she noticed me she knew she wanted to speak to me and knew if she did, we would go beyond a brief conversation. I listened to her attentively, feeling a little naked. I couldn't help think that this woman 'tricked' me... she set me up ... orchestrated the puppet show and I was the leading character that she manipulated with ease.In this situation, I was not the hunter but the hunted ... if i were the big fish in a small pound, she was the fisherman yielding the harpoon - She won!!! but in this case there was no loser..... just a more cunning predator.

6 Months is a Lifetime

2008-05-27T16:23:00.000-07:00

Spring has a way of igniting some of the most beautiful romances. It is possibly something in the singing of the birds, possibly the blossoming of flowers or the crisp smell that overtakes the senses after the rain fall or maybe it's the shallowness of man and simply the removal of the extra layer of clothing. Whatever it is, I have always said that a relationship is truly measured if and only when it can withstand the spring.

I remember the winter of 2001 which gave way to the beautiful spring and summer or 2002 when i met Misty. The actual introduction gave us no indication of what the future held, at most it was a simple conversation that ended with an exchange of phone numbers. Whatever seed was planted took no time to grow, within a few hours, we were on the phone conversing and laughing until 3 a.m.. Had this happened only one night, I would be the first to say it was simply a nice conversation, but it became our norm. Each day would end between 2 and 3 a.m. and although I would awake just a few hours later, i would always awake refreshed and with a rested soul. For the first 2 weeks our dialogue was strictly by way of 3 to 4 hour phone conversations, we eventually met up for tea and on another occasion for lunch, but our relationship flourished via phone conversations.

Something about not having to focus on looks made every word spoken carry more weight, it showed me that even long distant relationships were possible when and if both parties sincerely cared for the other. We would speak about any and every topic freely, she even disclosed to me that she was a virgin and that she promised herself not to have sex until she was married. for the first time I entertained the thought of not making love until I was married ... for her I would have waited until our wedding night. I truly believed that this woman would be the woman I continued life's journey with. I remember when we talked about Holidays and I explained to her I didn't celebrate certain Holidays because of what they stood for, she said nothing and simply listened ... two days later she told me in a conversation that she did some research on the creation of certain Holidays we talked about for the first time. This in itself deepened my love for her, the fact that she took the time to look for herself made me want to be a better man, knowing that woman listens, then will seek the truth herself is enough to make a man strive to always have foundation in what he is saying. It makes a man denounce stupidity and search for truth, not only for him but also his woman.

After two months of constant contact and a few encounters, I knew that this woman was the one for me. But as quickly as the sun warmed my soul, the clouds commenced to darken my days. One night I received a phone call from her cousin telling me that Misty was in the hospital, but would not tell me why. She told me that Misty had asked her to call me, but did not want me to come see her in the hospital.... a few days went by until she finally called me and told me that she had been sexually abused by the person whom she thought was her father (she later found out that he was not her biological father)... Until that very moment I had never thought I would be capable of killing a man, but at that moment I knew I could. She explained to me that she knew me well and that was why she had not wanted me to come visit her in the hospital. After a pause she told me that there was something else she needed to tell me. She explained to me that she was suffering from COPD (Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease - a lung disease in which the lungs are damaged, making it hard to breath) and that there was no cure. She told me this was initially why our relationship blossomed over the phone and not in person... the fear that I could not deal with her lung condition, scared her although she she loved me. What made me realize that I loved this woman was that at no point did I even question my feelings for her, all that mattered was that I wanted to be there for here, helping her every step of the way. I felt that I needed her as much as she may have needed me.

The relationship continued, slowly she was able to find herself and realize that there was hope for a beautiful future. Things seemed to be working out and I had faith that in time we would overcome all our past heartaches and pains while being able to deal with all future obstacles. then one night, i received an e-mail from Misty's cousin ... the e-mail began:

"My Dearest Heart of Hearts,
If you are reading this letter it's only because I am not here to tell you what I wish so much for you to know. Someone will find this letter and send it to you ...

My King, my most precious and tender love, please know that with all my heart I love you immensely. You have brought so much love and such true sense of balance and happiness to me that words cannot express the loneliness I now feel at having to leave you. For so long I have tried to be strong so that all our dreams could come true, and please know that I do not give up even as I know that my days are coming close to an end here on earth....

... You have travelled a long hard road with me and I know that your heart is one with mine in all ways and I know that if you are reading this, your heart is hurting and you long for me as I know I will long for you throughout eternity..."

She died on July 24th 2002.
For some reason I simply printed out the letter before reading it on the screen and the tears I cried on July 25, 2002 still stain the letter. I have not cried since since then ... the last time I cried I learned about love. I thank her for teaching me love... I thank her for my tear and my smile.

FEEDING DESIRE.

2008-05-25T19:25:00.000-07:00

By now, everyone of age is familiar with the old saying "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with", what that saying should really say is "if you can be with the one you love, love the one you're with until the next possibility comes... don't waste a minute, life is too short".

Although I am not one who simply enjoys the company of another to pass time and to occupy space in my 24 hours, I have been guilty of holding court on rare occasion with individuals with whom I knew there was no future. One particular summer afternoon, a young lady I knew asked me to spend some time with her, being that I already had plans to spend part of my day n the heart of New York City, I decided to kill two birds with one stone. We met and enjoyed a typical summer afternoon in New York City. Although I knew that she had feelings for me, my feelings towards her did not go beyond friendship. Initially everything was fine, regardless to the pretty face that passed by, I focused on the lady I walked with ... until we walked into a particular store and there was an undeniable connection between me and a young lady that worked freelance at the store. I asked her a question concerning merchandise i was curious in purchasing and like a haw descending on its prey, the young lady I was with made sure the salesperson knew we came together... My companion went on the offensive, forcing the other to go on the defensive. I decided it was best to conclude my business and thus defuse the situation. I said than you to the salesperson and told the young lady I was with it was time to depart. We left and all I could think about was how to eject from my current situation in favor of the new situation. Now, I had no commitments to the person with whom I was with, we were only friends and at no time did I give her any indications that I was looking for more than that from her. I could have exchanged numbers with the Lady in the store , but I am a gentleman before a lover.

I realize that every minute counts in a new situation and it's always best to strike the iron when the fire is hot. so I tried to figure out the best way to maintain control of the situation at hand. I decided that me and my travel companion should go eat. She ordered and so did I all while looking forwards to the bill even before the meal arrived. halfway through the meal, I ordered another plate making sure to comment how I enjoyed the food and would love to eat more when I got home.

After dinner, I told her that I had something to take care of and would talk to her later. She hesitated, but realized that I had no intentions to continue the evening. I walked her to the train and saw her off ... I then turned and walked back to thee store where I had met the young lady who stole my heart ... something about a woman on her grind has a way of quickening my heart rate... something about a woman wearing a long white peasant skirt with pony tails makes the blood rush through my veins. I walked directly to her and gave her the food all while telling her that I realized that she was busy and probably wouldn't have time to eat a real meal so, I decided to bring her one.

She smiled and offered me a seat while she ate. We talked, exchanged numbers and let fate do what it willed with us. About 20 minutes later, a gentleman came by and brought her some water, she introduced us and immediately I knew he was interested in her. I smiled and excused myself telling her that I had monopolized enough of her time. I turned to the chap and bid him a good day.

In leaving, I smiled to myself thinking that He brought her water and I a meal... he was still sitting with her... I smiled even more, He was not a threat.... not even had he brought her a banquet with dancing midgets and all 31 flavors for desert.

within a few days, she called me to thank me for the the dinner and invited me to a home made meal.

ALL THAT GLITTERS ISN'T GOLD

2008-05-14T08:43:00.000-07:00

Her face expressed nothing but self-satisfaction, and she had a certain peace radiating that showed comfort within her skin and a confidence usually associated with men in high corporate settings. She was uncommonly tall, had distinct yet soft features and knew how to work both her high heels and hips to the synchronization runway models understood. From a distance she was a little out of focus but the frame hinted a well constructed specimen.

I approached and said hello ...

her voice was deeper than I expected, but that somehow heightened the exotic feeling.

I looked closer...

She tells me that she's a man in the process of changing sex... or a woman trapped in a man's body.... it's a bit vague now because I don't think any word she/he said at that point registered with me.

As always, I kept my composure while thinking, this is what I get for having a preference for the exotic. I remained the consummate gentleman, smiled and bid her a nice day all while thinking that what's on the surface surely doesn't compensate or override what's just beneath.

THE TRAIN TO NOWHERE MAY LEAD SOMEWHERE.

2008-05-12T16:54:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when you least expect it, you meet someone who simply warms your heart .. your initial thought is nothing beyond a nice conversation ... but sometimes after the conversation, you find yourself wondering - why not? sometimes you're in a position where you can follow through, while there are other times that ship simply sails away ... in some cases, it's the train that pulls off.

It was a sunny afternoon, I had just finished my rounds and was headed home. I walked to the middle of the subway platform at 86th street in Manhattan and sat down next to a young lady who was eating a sandwich. I looked at her and jokingly said

- Either the sandwich is extremely good or you haven't eaten in a week.

She looked at me and smiled before swallowing what she had in mouth and replying

- Life is too short, I make sure I enjoy every aspect of it.

I must admit that when I first sat next to the young lady, I had no intentions on saying one word, let alone thinking a thought… but that one sentence spoken was the equivallant of opening the curtains, shudders, and drawbridge of the most exclusive castle. There is something sexy about a woman who thinks the way she did … a lover of life has always had a pornographic effect on me. We both smiled.

I looked over and spoke to her…

- In a hectic city like New York, it's rare and refreshing to come across your joie de vivre.

- Well, I recently had a brain tumor removed and to be honest the fact that I am here today is somewhat of a miracle. Because of my experience, I think I have a new appreciation for the small things and life in general.

As we sat, every word she spoke seemed to be laced with a certain sweetness. She saw life completely different than the average woman. I try to remember her face now, but have no clue as to what she looked like… all I know is that at that very moment, she was the only woman that existed. A lover of life, a woman who understood and appreciated how fragile life was, a ball of energy that radiated from inside and whose beauty was deeper than store purchased make-up and a plastered on billboard smile. We spoke for approximately 10 minutes then her train neared…. She smiled … I smiled …

She broke our 4 second silence by saying

- I enjoyed talking to you.

- It was a mutual joy for me.

She stood and walked slowly to the train… we made eye contact and our eyes simultaneous yelled … DO SOMETHING!!! The train door closed and she leaned against the door looking at me. Those 2 seconds seemed like an eternity… we smiled, but it was a different sort of smile. This smile whispered "I wish we could have shared more" … the train pulled away and our eyes did not leave their locked position until centripetal force overtook desire and the train eventually curved around the bend.

Usually the story would have ended with the vanishing of the train, however one week later I found myself sitting on the same bench at the same time. I could lie and say that it was a coincidence, however I promised myself to never lie when it came to matters of the heart. I went back hoping i'd see her again. Five trains came and went and on the fifth rode the passenger called wishful thinking… she boarded, I smiled, got up and walked away.

BECAUSE POETRY TURNS YOU ON.

2008-04-13T15:52:00.000-07:00

“The success of the poem is determined not by how much the poet felt in writing it, but by how much the reader feels in reading it.”
John Ciardi

Poetry at the Sugar Shack in Harlem had become a ritual of mine, once a week without hesitation I would take that hour ride to Harlem, stand in front of strangers, and share some of my most intimate thoughts while griping a microphone. While women were not my ‘raison d’etre’ (reason of being) I would be foolish to not acknowledge the certain spell that a beautiful poem could cast over the most beautiful of women. I had a habit of sitting in the back of the room listening to people read/recite their poetry (I made it a point to try to read among the last readers) and would often write something as I waited my turn.

This night was no different than any other except this night “she” walked in. As soon as she walked in I noticed her, the fact that some guy was with her didn’t persuade me not to look at her as they walked to a table and sat. She noticed me looking at her and looked at me as to say “he’s with me, but…”, I smiled and looked away. This night I decided that my poem would be about this woman, and I would make sure she knew it was about her. On occasion I would look up from my notebook to find my source of inspiration. I looked at her no different than Leonardo Da Vinci or Michelangelo would look at their subjects … I dissected every part of her while she listened to the other poets read their poetry, while she ate her meal, drank her wine, and smiled at “her man”.

As I finished writing, I sighed. I was out of breath and my heart raced as if I had just challenged her man to a duel, yet I was refreshed as if I had just awoken from the bosom of a goddess. I sat back listening to the other poets and as I put down my glass of Merlot, my name was called to read. Fisiwe, the hostess had a way of introducing me that always made me smile. She would let it be known who I was, I always felt that my words had to do her introduction justice. I slowly made my way to the stage, and whispered to the musicians the type of mood I was looking for… they obliged by blessing me with some soothing melodies that would make an angel blush… I smiled. Without looking at the audience, I covered my lips with two fingers which was something I often did out of habit before reading and introduced the piece by simply saying “this is for her”. I proceeded…

She is the beauty that God tried to clone,
The beauty that artist try to capture.
Without knowing her,
She is love, she is rapture.

She is Sade accompanied by Miles Davis,
She is every line I’ve ever tried to write
Although she already has deep refuge in my heart,
It is as if we only met tonight.
Something tells me that time has no bearing
It plays no part, no role
It only gives us opportunities
To take chances and take control.

Maybe I should keep my thoughts to myself
She has a man so it seems,
However my aim is not to be her man,
My aim is to be her religion, and the reason she dreams.

If she could look into my soul,
She would see that it pains me that the 3 of us are in the same room
And see the need to break away
Break away tonight, break away soon.

Life is much too short to let opportunity past
Much too short to not see her again
Life s too short not to take chances
Life is too short, can I get an AMEN.

Funny thing is 'he' even said amen not knowing that I had my sights on ‘his’ lady. I acknowledge the crowd and sat occasionally looking at the lady who inspired the poem. She looked my way after a few minutes and smiled … she reached for her phone, whispered to ‘him’, got up and walked outside. I got up paid my tad and left the Sugar Shack. We met outside, she asked if it was for her the poem… I smiled …she said thanked me, gave me her number and another smile… I smiled and walked to the train as she turned to go back into the restaurant.

She later told me that he was happy seeing her content ... she wanted to be more than content, she longed for passion.

That night, I didn’t say a word to her, but my heart spoke volumes and she understood every word.

Just a note.

2008-04-13T07:49:00.000-07:00

Some view riding the train in New York City a punishment and I must admit that some of what you see on the subway certainly will make your skin crawl. I must however say that there is often something that will make you smile and make your heart race when you're not prisoner to the book you're reading or the ipod blaring out noise.
While cleaning my office, I came across a copy of a note I had written and given to a young lady I use to see on the subway and had approached. we exchanged phone numbers - very simple.

" A pretty face is nothing uncommon in the city of a million plus faces, however it is rare that i'll get off the train a stop past mine just to say hello. I did this with you, knowing that i would be late for work because i simply wanted to say hello. i have seen you numerous times on the train and every time i've wished that the train ride would last a little longer. seeing you not only brightens up my mornings, the effect stays with me all day. Thank you (just imagine if you smiled my way).
your beauty caught my eye, your aura peeked my attention, and mind you, this all happened before we talked. Now all i hope for is a next time."

THE BENEFITS OF A LITTLE EXERCISE.

2008-04-07T16:52:00.000-07:00

Medical studies have proven that exercise can reduce the risk of heart disease, it reduces high blood pressure, it can reduce depression, anxiety and a number of other diseases. Today I can attest that there is one more reward to a little exercise … it gets the girl. Now, the average mind will quickly believe that I am referring to building a chiseled body in order to impress, however those who know me know that the surface is always but a prelude to what really is. It is not the chiseled body that gets the girl (at least not the worthy ones) it’s a chiseled and well worked mind.

I have the opportunity and leisure to spend most of my days is Manhattan. Attractive women are nothing new, nothing uncommon in the city of a hundred races and a million faces. I usually look, sometimes acknowledge the beauty, but generally don’t break my stride.

This day was different, everything just seemed to line up the right way, therefore I couldn’t help but follow my instincts when I saw her. From a distance I noticed her approaching, she walked as if her feet didn’t touch the ground, as if she had no care in the world… she was a goddess, the sun in my eyes and warmth against my face. We made eye contact, she turned away… a few steps closer just as our paths crossed, she looked at me and smiled as to let me know that she too liked what she saw. Neither of us spoke a word or stopped, but as soon as she passed me and I smelled the sweetness of her perfume I knew that my soul would be uneasy if I did not to approach her. By now, I looked back and she was half way down the block. I dared not turn run after her, I had to think of another way … and I literally thought of another way … around the block, I would meet up with her at the light. Now, I could tell you that I continued at a leisurely pace, but that would be a lie. I knew that if I didn’t race around the block and catch her at the light, I would lose the element of surprise and thus lose the advantage. I raced like a man who was possessed. I rounded the first corner, the second and finally came to the third Just as she walked to it and stood waiting for the light to change so she could cross the street. She looked at me in disbelief, but before she could say a word, I walked up to her.

- “Pardon me miss, would you happen to know which way Park Avenue is?”
- “It’s 2 blocks up.”
- “Thank you kindly”

I smile at her as the light changes and continue to speak.

- “Since we seem to be going the same way, would you mind if I walk with you for a few minutes without taking you out your way?”

She smiles

- “I don’t mind”

I look at her

- “Listen, I can’t even bring myself to lie to you. I noticed you, made my way around the block all while trying to think of what to tell you. To be honest, all I want to tell you is that you are reason enough for a man to walk the streets of New York. You are not only beautiful, you also exude a certain energy. I can’t see myself lying to you when I am hoping for a future that wouldn’t be the right way to start. I am going the opposite way, but had to stop you. May I give you my number and if one night you smile as you replay this encounter in your mind, hopefully you’ll call me.”

She is smiling and my heart seems to be beating faster standing next to her than it did while I ran the 3 blocks to catch her.

- “I am flattered. Yes you can give me your number.”

It’s my turn to smile. I thank her and tell her that I am already late having stopped to talk to her but that it was worth it, and that I look forward to hearing from her. We both smile and turn and go our respective ways.

A few days later, she calls me and we meet up for lunch.

ALWAYS CALM UNDER PRESSURE.

2008-04-06T12:25:00.000-07:00

Summer in New York City always has a way of making the natives restless and the women even more enjoyable. This particular day, I was with a male friend at the park chatting when a mutual lady friend of ours (with whom I had recently had relations with) noticed us and without asking, decided to invite herself into our conversation. Under normal circumstances I may have simply entertained her for a moment, however this time, she positioned herself directly in the line of a pretty young thing that I had noticed right before she arrived. The pretty young thing also noticed me and even tough she saw this other lady talking to us, she made it clear to me that she wanted my attention. Being the gentleman that I am, I decided not to give my old acquaintance reason for being jealous so I simply ignored the other young lady without completely pushing her away. My lack of attention did not dissuade her in the least, she moved directly in front of me and would stare at me like a eagle on a perch watching its prey. In order to not lose this opportunity, I limited my conversation with the old acquaintance in hopes that she would leave and finally after 10 minutes or so of limited conversation from me, she decided to leave. My friend walked her and as soon as they walked away, the pretty young thing came over and at once asked me if me and the departed woman were in a relationship. I explained to her that we were simply friends and I didn’t want to make her feel uneasy in pursuing another woman in front of her. She proceeded asked why did it matter, I simply said “maybe every woman is not as secure as yourself, she may have feelings for me, and thus I would rather not put her in an awkward situation”. We talked for a few minutes then I offered to buy her a drink. We walked over to a Thai fusion restaurant and ordered a meal while chatting. Now I must say, this young woman was attractive, however she overdid it - too much make up, she made sure her tattoo on her back was exposed, now, while I like a confident woman, I prefer a subtle woman who understands beauty is iconic when it is quiet and not forced. Nonetheless, dinner was fine I told myself that she was not one that I would exert too much energy over as her vanity far surpassed her beauty. It was obvious that she enjoyed the attention of men and my taste has always been beyond that of the average man.

Once finished, the waiter delivered the check. I decided to pay using my credit card as I only had $22 dollars on me at the time.

The waiter returns and leans over and whispers to me
- “”Sir your card has been declined”
- “Are you sure? Try one more time”

A few minutes later
- “I tried again and it was again declined”

I look up at my date and smile
- “Excuse me my dear, I’ll be right back”

I look at the waiter and with a forceful tone and no hesitation tell him to take me to the manager.

- “Good day Sir, for some strange reason my card has been declined. I don’t have any other cards on me, however I do have $20 dollars. I will leave the $20 with you now and tomorrow on my way home drop off the remaining $24.

The manager looks at me with a look of surprise, and almost as if he had been brainwashed, he simply responds

- “That’s fine Sir, please leave your information with the waiter and we’ll look forward to seeing you tomorrow”
- “Thank you kindly, tomorrow it is”

I walk back to my seat and apologize for my absence, she smiles, never asking me what it was all about, but I knew she knew. I can’t help thinking that how I handled the situation attracted her even more. I gave her my number and explained to her that I had a meeting to go to, but she could call me any time. I leaned over as if to kiss her on the check and simply whispered to her
“Thank you for a lovely afternoon”
I stepped back as she opened her eyes. I smiled and walked away.

1. She called me later that night.
2. I returned to the restaurant the following day paid my dept and gave the waiter a nice tip for his excellent handling of the situation. A gentleman is only as good as his word.

IT TAKES A LIFETIME TO BUILD BUT ONLY 30 SECONDS TO DESTROY.

2008-03-30T18:50:00.000-07:00

During the weekdays I have a habit of sitting at the park at 14th street Union Square people watching. Never looking for anything or any one in particular, however always being entertained by people and their ways. This day in particular was a Thursday afternoon, when I noticed a couple sitting about 30 feet away. She was stunning, had an air of mystery, yet simplicity of an untouched canvas. He on the other hand, was an average chap. Now, I certainly don’t encourage interfering with lovers, however sometimes, one can look at a couple and see without a doubt that there is room to create instability. I am a firm believer that destiny favors the bold, and that although the meek shall inherit the earth, it is only after the strong have died. I knew they were a couple, yet I couldn’t help myself, I had to approach her. The question was not if, but how I would approach as he showed no signs of leaving her side.

I walked up to them and purposely talked to them without giving the chap room to even respond until I was done and actually walking away…

“Excuse me, I noticed the two of you from a distance, I couldn’t tell if you were a couple, of family relations or friends. Nonetheless I simply had to tell you that if you have no intentions on marrying this woman, you should allow me the opportunity to reunite with her. We were married in our previous life. Anyway, please take my card miss so if the opportunity presents itself hopefully we’ll have a chance to relive our past life”.

I reached my hand out to shake his (even during war I am a gentleman)… he hesitated,
I gave her my card… she took it,
I walked away… confident
A few days later … she called.

THE GODDESS ON THE SUBWAY (1)

2008-03-29T12:08:00.000-07:00

It was one of those perfect new York summer afternoons, I had just finished getting a hair cut and any good looking man knows that there’s a extra swag in your step once the barber brushes off that last piece of hair off your shirt. Today, nothing could go wrong, I was happy and life smiled on me. The customary train ride wasn’t even an issue; there was no one worth looking at while riding to Queens even though the train was bursting at the seems…

...until she stepped onto the train. Now, I have seen beautiful women in my life, I dear say that I’ve held court with goddess, refined, distinguished, and breath taking women, but she was different, she was all the above mentioned and more. Her body language spoke volumes, she said not one word but enough was said to intimidate half the men on the train. She didn’t smile, barely looked up; she knew she ravished the soul of simple men and easily dented to armor of noble men. I smiled to myself, knowing that there was no way I could not incorporate her in my life. The dilemma was what could I say to draw her in? We got off the train at the same stop, I must admit that don’t remember if that was also my stop or if I got off because she did. Nonetheless, as she walked up the stairs to the street, I walked beside her and proceeded.
- Excuse me miss, I noticed you on the train and must say that your beauty was undeniable. I wanted to say hello.
- (She smiles) thank you. Hello.
- I wont keep you, however I must ask if you’d be open to modeling. I have a t-shirt line coming out and would ask that you consider being a model for the line.
- (Once again she smiles) I’ll take your number, but there’s no guarantee that I will call.
- I respect that. Know that if I let you pass and had not said anything, it would have haunted me. I thank you for giving me a few minutes of your time. Have a beautiful evening.
- Goodbye
- There is nothing good in our bye. Until we speak again.

A few weeks later, she calls me and we begin a friendship. At the time, she was seeing someone, he was financially well off and from the beginning I knew that the likelihood that she’d leave him for me was slim to none. However I still couldn’t deny feelings that started to arise. We remained friends for 2 years, not so much as a kiss was exchanged, I was patient knowing in my heart that one day, she would be mine. We became very good friends even though she had a man. Of course, I was her secret… I didn’t mind. She would get out of his Mercedes 500sl and into my humble abode. We would spend hours talking, laughing and living. For the first time I was able to separate friendship and desire. I wanted her more every day however the friendship was always enough to keep me fed. I remember one night as we sat se spoke to me about having found a video tape of him and other women, then on another occasion, she told me how he did not like her going out and that he simply wanted her to stay home while not pursuing any of her dreams. I would listen for hours and for the first time, it was pure, sincere, with no ulterior motives. One night she asked me how I felt about her and I could but tell her the truth, I explained to her that if I were in a position to care for her as her current man could, I would. I told her that was the only thing that kept me from a nonstop assault on her heart.
It was a Wednesday night, after we talked for hours, we found ourselves in each others arms… paradise could not be sweeter. Once, twice, tree times…. then, she disappeared.
Somehow we lost touch; I never had her phone number due to her living situation. To this day, I say because of her, I tasted heaven, danced with an angel and touched a Goddess.

the train was packed, but that day it was empty... no one existed except for her and I.

3 WOMEN, 1 HAMBURGER.

2008-02-16T20:05:00.000-08:00